I’ve just finished filming our weekend vlog, the first in months after i had a wobble about sharing family life so openly. i sat down with a cup of tea ☕️ (strong, @lancashireteaofficial bags only please) to edit the footage and boy am i glad i changed my mind. there’s something wonderful about capturing a moment with a photo of course, but video footage of your kids is on another level.
even if nobody ever watches our boring lives on youtube, i know that as an old woman, i will be so so glad i captured these early days with her; the funny things she said, the naughty things she did that made me want to howl with rage at the time and that will undoubtedly make me howl with laughter one day and all of those tiny moments i miss in my daily scramble to keep afloat - the way she sticks her tongue out to concentrate, the way her hair falls over her eyes when she’s scowling at me, the way she hops into the room when she’s happy and that louder than life laugh that lights up the whole room 😍
capturing it all on camera and replaying it makes me want to be a better more spontaneous (less shouty) mum, it makes me appreciate what i have and it feels like an investment in the future for when i want to look back and desperately be with her as a teeny tiny, totally mine little girl again. #takeheartmydear#slowdownlittleone
Oh my little girl 💛 so fierce, so independent, so free spirited and so full of fire but still amongst all of this there’s a shyness that makes me want to wrap my arms round you and shut out the world. if only you’d stay so little 💛 #mydarlingmemory#mamaandme
When the psychiatrist nodded and nonchalantly said “yes i’d say definitely say it’s #bipolardisorder”(he didn’t use the hashtag bit obvs coz that would be weird 😄) i just mimicked his nod and said “yes i know”. i did know because i’d done a magnitude of research and i knew in myself that was what was wrong with me. the diagnosis was just a formality and a road to treatment which i’d been waiting years for.
but over the weeks that followed, the diagnosis that i’d thought would bring me relief, actually began to taunt me and stare back at me like some sort of menacing challenge.
the words “psychiatrist”, “anti-psychotic medication” and “severe mental health issues” ran amok round my head for hours. that surely cannot be words written about me?! i am not psychotic am i? haven’t they all just made a big mistake?!
i searched high and low on the internet for someone else with my label. i wanted so badly to find someone who seemed “normal” and who was coping, living and more importantly thriving despite the “mentally fragile” sticker attached. i needed someone to show me the way.
i found nobody despite the fact i know up to 5% of the population have this condition. there was nobody to relate to.
and honestly i’d never felt so alone, and in fact i still do. i vowed then and there that i was going to share my story, to try to educate people who don’t understand what it’s like and who laugh and mock people like me behind our backs. most importantly though, i want someone else who faces a bipolar diagnosis to find my story, my little chats and my ramblings and think “thank god for that, maybe i’m not alone after all.” because we are not oddities, we are not crazy, we are not about to fly off into a mentally unstable rage and commit mass m****r (something someone actually messaged me saying would happen 🖕🏻) and we have all the capacity that “normal” people have to live full and happy lives🤞🏻
so i will carry on sharing and talking - right through all the dark and light times, right through the medication and the highs and lows because i dont ever want another person to feel alone. if you’re listening then you are not alone.
Does anyone here have a nespresso machine? ☕️ coffee = life down here in casa del chaos but our machine has broken 😤 and i’m looking for recommendations for something new. help a caffeine addict out?
Today i had an @tescofood shop delivered. £85 for a family of six = fairly standard food shop. in this food shop, i counted 120, that’s one hundred and twenty pieces of plastic packaging. and by the way this was on a shop with “no carrier bags”.
surely that cannot be necessary?! 🤷🏼♀️
that’s rhetorical because i can say with certainty, that i do not need 6 gala apples to come wrapped in plastic, that my bananas already have a skin on them for a reason and that fresh meat already smothered in plastic does not then require a further red plastic bag to alert me to the fact that it’s raw meat 🥩😕
in a time when we know and are socially aware of how damaging plastic is to our planet, big companies need to rethink their 1990s approach to consuming plastic in this manner for convenience. i can feel a blog rant coming on... #watchthisspace#plasticfreejuly#itseveryonesfight
Facebook / instagram keeps telling me that people that follow my blog haven’t heard from me in a while and despite my shrieks of “that’s because i’m busy!” 🤯 it continues to notify me of this happy fact at least once a day 😳😳😳
raising mini humans (and not so mini ones 😏) whilst working all of the hours possible means that i’ve barely thought about blogging or emails or perfecting my little squares of trivia in over a week. funny how life changes isn’t it?! 🤷🏼♀️
i’ve had a major 180 shift in focus and whilst i’m happy with the changes, i am starting to miss my little space on the internet. so maybe il be picking up my metaphorical pen again this week 🤞🏻 #busyfamily#workingmummy#lifewithtoddlers
Being a mum is a funny thing isn’t it? 🤷🏼♀️ i’m away on business until monday and feeling all of the guilt. and i mean all of it 😒😭
i know the kids will miss me, they’ll feel sad at times and i can’t get away from that. i know i’ll miss them too and question what i’m doing and why. and then i’ll come home and life will continue in this new, kind of chaotic way✈️ you see, i’ve chosen a job where this will all become part of our new routine and although it makes me immensely proud to have a job like this and it also fulfils a part of me that has always been there, it also reminds me that guilt will follow me permanently and i’ll be in a perpetual cycle of winning / losing at each life choice at various times 🤦🏼♀️
it’s like i’m two different people - the mother and the career girl and mixing them together feels a bit frantic and unsettling right now.
so hello guilt 👋🏻 i guess you’re here to stay until i reconcile it all in my head again.
for now, it’s time to pop my positive pants on as the lovely @zarabyrd would say 🤭
see you next week on the other side of this trip 👋🏻
L i f e u p d a t e
hey guys, hope you're all well?
you may or may not have noticed that i have taken down the content on my youtube channel and i wanted to explain why as i've had a fair few messages asking where i've gone.
so i guess there are a fair few reasons why i've decided to take down my channel but i want to share the main two:
1. i have started a new job and i will be transitioning back into full time hours which will include international travel and weekends. my new job is something i feel so excited about and naturally is where the majority of my work commitments will now lie.
trying to combine full time work, family, a youtube channel, a blog, social media and a fairly difficult mental health disorder is, as you can imagine, a recipe for disaster or at the very least a major amount of burn out. so something has to give.
in truth, youtube is where i was least happy - i don't know why, but for me it made the most sense to give that up as a starter.
2. the privacy of my family. those who know me, know i've struggled long and hard with this and for me, video feels like the most intrusive of all the social mediums we use. i may continue to make video's of my children but i want to keep them just for myself and my family and i hope you guys will understand that. nothing bad ever happened from me sharing my family life but it became increasingly uncomfortable for me personally.
i'm obviously not under any illusions that i was in any way zoella (lol) but for the few thousand of you who supported and subscribed to my youtube channel, i would like to say thank you. i will miss it in some ways but it's a chapter of my life that i am closing for now. who knows what the future will bring though!
you can of course still find me on my blog and particularly on instagram but please bear with me whilst i emerge from my baby bubble and transition into some new routines and a new chapter.
muchos love and happy monday
C l e a r – y o u r – c l u t t e r
it’s less than two months until the summer holidays & i have a bucket list as long as my arm with all of the things i would like to do & see over the six weeks 🍦🎢 🏖
but let’s be realistic, it’s not cheap! this year, @gumtreeuk challenged us to declutter our home as part of the national #clearyourclutter campaign.
gumtree is free, easy to use & navigate & i managed to turn a few things we didn’t use anymore into £300 of cash! not bad hey?! if you want to declutter & make a few 💷 for the holidays, then you can read all about it on my blog by clicking on the link on my profile page! #ad