today that precious little girl is the center of my work. she’s often the writer. she’s often the one who pushes me to help the community. she’s the creative one. she is also happy that together we were able to conquer our dreams of advocating for the abuse.
there is hope for healing and happiness.
i just want to say to every survivor that with appropriate help survivors of s****l abuse can find the healing they so deeply desire. it’s not going to be an easy process because life is not easy. there are times that we may have setbacks and challenges, but we must never give up. once we find our inner child, we must always support and love our inner child regardless of the challenges or the mistakes that they did throughout their healing process. some people don’t want to go through the healing process because they discover that there is devastating pain through the healing process. and that scares them to the point that they choose to remain victims for their entire lives. you cannot replace pain with peace if you don’t allow yourself to walk through the healing process. the process includes finding your inner child, acknowledging what happened and allowing the feelings of being hurt, scared, and sad to be felt, acknowledged, and validated. the process also entails discovering the real you and your true potential and restoring and rebuilding what was once lost or stolen from you as a child. you are not alone in this journey. i’m walking with you too.
she looked everywhere and she couldn’t find the lost little girl. she couldn't find the little girl that was physically and sexually abused. she had lost the most important part of her childhood. she had lost her identity and the loving, trusting, nurturing and protecting pieces that were stolen from her life. she spent more than two decades trying to find the missing pieces by restoring, re-parenting and learning to be whole again.
a journey from lost to found.
she resolved to heal for herself and to discover the missing pieces. those important pieces that were taken away from her when she needed them the most as a child. she had to replace them with love and lots of self compassion because she was her worst enemy most of the time. self loathing and anger was ruining her life. yet finding or replacing the pieces was a difficult process that was necessary to find some sort of balance or healing in her life.
the discovery process.
in the process she discovered many important things that she refused to believe from her past. she discovered that she was not to be blamed. she discovered that she wasn’t worthless like her father made her believe as a child. she discovered that she was smart. she discovered that she was empathetic and loving even though she was afraid to show these great qualities to the world. nevertheless, it was more important for her to recognize that she had discovered herself as a beautiful human being in spite of what happened to her as a child or in spite of the mistakes she had done during her healing process or the discovery years.
hope & healing
once she discovered who she was and how worthy and beautiful she was, she became whole and happy. she became one with her inner child by giving her a voice. some survivors let go or ignore our inner child because we don’t want to feel their pain. but we must feel their pain and validate them to walk through the process of healing from the trauma of s****l abuse.
I have complex ptsd due to the physical, s****l abuse and human trafficking that i suffered from my childhood until i was a young woman. the psychological harm, emotional problems and changes in how individuals see themselves and the world following chronic traumatic exposure can be life altering and devastating for us. yet, through therapy, self-awareness, research, writing and my advocacy work i have learned to manage the symptoms and live a balanced life.
I realize that the judicial systems need evidence to believe children when they come forward about being sexually abused. but s****l perpetrators are very astute when it comes to hiding the evidence that would incriminate them to the criminal offense. in my case, physical and s****l abuse was indisputable because i had severe burn marks inside my private parts. my father would torture me whenever i would hide or fight him off and he would punish me by burning me. my father knew very well how to conceal his physical abuse and s****l abuse. but physical force or violence are rarely used, rather the perpetrator tries to manipulate the child’s trust and hide the s****l abuse. in many cases there isn’t enough evidence to present to the police to substantiate the crime either because it was fondling, masturbation, forcing the minor to m********e or o**l copulation. it is very hard to prove these cases in our judicial system. also, minors that are sexually abused by female perpetrators are unable to present substantial “evidence” to conclude that they were in fact sexually abused. even in legally confirmed cases of s****l abuse, most children do not have physical findings diagnostic of s****l abuse. therefore, the child's disclosure is often the most important piece of information in determining the likelihood of s****l abuse. we must listen to and believe children because requiring a s****l abuse allegation to be “proven” with “evidence” in a court of law is an impossibly high bar that perpetuates impunity for s****l predators.
One of the ancient stories that pops up in my mind is the tales of the pandora’s box. we learn that if some action is taken, it will “open pandora’s box” or cause some terrible thing to happen that cannot be undone. the pandora box of horror that i revealed to the police was life changing because i had to choose to lose my family or choose to save myself and other potential victims in my family from being sexually abused by my father. during the time that i broke the silence i suffered much pain, loneliness and backlash from my family but i will never regret breaking the silence. i will always commend myself for being such a brave little girl. it has been four decades after my abuse and i still continue to open the pandora box and unleash the hidden crimes in our communities. these life altering crimes that people want to sweep under the rug and that is still a tabu for many families to speak about around the world. i still face adversity and animosity from people who want to silence me, but i will continue to break the silence and defend innocent children at all cost even if it means to stand alone. i will also continue to speak out for those survivors who still remain in silence in hope that one day they too can open the pandora box of lies, betrayal and evil so they can at least be free from carrying that painful burden of the s****l abuse.
The years i spent in my cocoon stage were very painful and exhausting but i was being prepared for something much bigger than my past. i just didn’t know it at the time. but i’m very thankful that i took the time to process the s****l abuse. i’m thankful that i found the help that i needed which inspired me to continue my healing journey as a thriver. stay in your cocoon stage for as long as you need but when you fly out into the world you too will discover your own beautiful path.
I’m that child you see in the classroom each morning.
i keep to myself. i don't talk, smile or look at anyone.
i’m that child in the classroom. i’ve created walls for my own safety. the s****l abuse in my home has taken away from me the trust that i had in the world.
i’m that child you see in the hallway walking in a zombie like state or perhaps i’m dead inside of me.
i’m that child hiding in the bathroom throwing up and disgusted about the things that my abuser is doing to me.
i’m that child...
the sexually abused child that no one sees or hear.