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lasttimeisawu

Almost Everything To my first love, my sister who died, the stranger I confided in, my taxi driver: This is ‘#AlmostEverything I Wish I’d Said The Last Time I Saw You’ http://www.marjijsherman.com/almosteverything
142 posts
2,052 followers
2,678 following

@lasttimeisawu

Almost Everything
No more tan line on my left ring finger. no more rose gold necklace with the coordinates of the bar in east village where we met. no more. no more. my gaze left my void ring finger and caught my reflection on the window of my lyft, i could see him ghosting on that paler than usual face, afraid of the bald head that chemo left me with. .
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mama said i had to start dating again. she said it’s not about the one who stole all of my firsts, but the one who is lucky enough to get all of my lasts. known by my high school and college friends to always throw up before first dates, i loathed going on dates. .
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three weeks out of surgery. tight black leggings brushing up against the incisions. shaking hot pink manicure holding my phone close. you didn’t feel like a stranger in the hot lights hanging above the half-full bottles of tequila. in fact in the pink swirls left over in my martini glass, i almost could convince we knew each other before. .
. i flinched when he touched me, i leaned into your hand around my waist. he hated country music, you turned it up in your car. he would instinctively put my sweater back up to my neck if it happened to reveal my shoulder, you left it and ran your soft hand across the exposed skin. he would always nitpick at my wig until it was just right, you told me it was gorgeous but that i didn’t need to wear it around you. he would make fun of me when i wanted to dance, you danced with me in front of the entire crowd as if it were just the two of us.
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no history lesson of my past. no fidgeting with my wig. no judgment. no checking your cell every two seconds missing every word i ever said to you. no rubbing exes in my face. no trying to one up me with your stories and career. .
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and as my hand stopped shaking in the grasp of yours, i realized i hadn’t thrown up before this date. i had only met a bunch of firsts that dissected me until i was just a pair of hot pink heels on the floor, but you weren’t looking to play a short game. and suddenly in the disco lights of a sweaty country bar, ditching my blistering heels, spilling my martini all over you as you spun me around, i became your last. .
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no more. no more. . <3 m
4 64 2 weeks ago

@lasttimeisawu

Almost Everything
No day. no time. no pastor from my hometown. no platinum rings. no veil covering my red lips. no rose in your suit pocket. .
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just a bridesmaid exhausted between work trips who threw her dress on after landing back in nyc and then boarded a red eye flight to dc, fixing her hair and makeup in the car on the way to wedding. just a groomsman anxious about his little sister getting married that wanted to still make the penguins game after the reception. her college best friend’s brother, his sister’s college best friend, his coat around her freezing bare arms as they walked back to the limo for the wedding party. rumors already starting as they sat at the same table at the reception and she kept putting her hand on his knee and he kept putting his arm around him. their high pitched laughter could be heard above the band. it was the kind of laughter that made you want to be in that conversation, have that feeling of pure ecstasy, the first spark of love.
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just jelly and rhinestone flats bought in a designer shop in miami last time she lived there. just the black dress dress shoes he last wore to his grandfather’s funeral. just confetti from a hundred loud on lookers as the bride and groom made their way through the tunnel of loved ones. just one instagram shot. .
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one photo, one caption, that spurred an entire lifetime between them. black and white nearly strangers’ shoes pointing towards each other, bright white confetti the only thing between them.
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i wish confetti was the only thing between us now.
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. <3 m.
1 50 3 weeks ago

@lasttimeisawu

Almost Everything
I want to sell all of our things on craigslist and leave this cow-town with my typewriter and your polaroid. i want to find a city that sleeps during the day and is awake during the night. i want to get lost in a mosh pit of crazies even crazier than us. i want to paint exactly what i am feeling and expose our secrets through the keys of my hermes. i want to swing dance like my cowboy ancestors did in wyoming as you play the accordion that your polish dad taught you to play during chilling winters in wisconsin. i want to hear raw stories that transport me to a world i’ve never known and feel air go up my dress as i wear the shortest one i own. .
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and i want you to photograph it all for the archives. for those who will learn from history books that our generation never really lived at all. to prove that some of us did. glow sticks under dark skies, stripped of the material world, we became souls with unlimited expression. and they can too. .
. <3 m.
2 37 3 weeks ago

@lasttimeisawu

Almost Everything
I could push past the crowd to catch the 7 into queens where you would greet me at your dad’s brownstone, or i could go up the stairs and call a lyft to the airport to catch my flight to south florida.
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i can still see the walk sign begging me to cross as tears fell down my red cheeks on the corner of 17th and collins. second 20, regret, second 19, hate, second 18, anger…my hand turned white from how hard he grasped it, making sure i didn’t cross the street but instead followed him to our rooftop reservation on ocean ave. .
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fireworks. instagram-worthy shot of us kissing right at midnight. rhinestone pumps in my hands as he gave me a piggyback to the parking garage. his smile, my tears hidden by my cover-up. .
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i took the 7 train tonight to queens. you handed me a fifth of malibu as we got into an uber together, and opened your own crown. the club we always went to was on fire so we had the uber stop at the nearest open bar as the clock turned to 11:49 pm. minute 11, excited. minute 10, happy. minute 9, comfortable. we ended up making out in the graffiti basement of the trash bar before finding a vintage car booth to fall into as everyone counted down. second 5, nervous. second 4, excited. second 3, comfortable. second 2, euphoric. second 1, your chapped lips touching mine. .
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empty malibu and crown bottles. non-instagram worthy photos of hot pink lipstick smeared across both our faces. your vintage black leather jacket over my strapless mini dress, my platinum curls settling on the softest part of your chest. the rest of the world scouring the dance floor for someone to take home for the night.
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and suddenly, i crossed the street. .
. <3 m.
3 58 3 weeks ago

@lasttimeisawu

Almost Everything
I thought i would be in pieces on my freezing wood floor, unable to take one more step towards my future without you. but somehow technicolor energy passed through my heart and i felt like myself for the first time in a year. happy, vibrant, funny. the endings suddenly looked like possibilities. the hate looked like love. the impossible looked possible. in a moment full of tearful goodbyes and bloody abandonment, the person you tried so hard to k**l reemerged more powerful than ever. i understand now why they said i needed to leave you, why we were not a good fit, how goodbyes can also be hellos. .
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goodbye. .
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<3 m.
2 44 5 weeks ago

@lasttimeisawu

Almost Everything
Los angeles. that was our end game. we were only staying in the south florida humidity long enough to find jobs on the west coast. i was going to be a senior manager at pr firm and you were going to be a director of the newest film. but i grew tired of the waiting and you grew tired of my lust for brooklyn, so i left. .
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i heard you finally made it last month. you succumbed to your fate and took a job as a grip on some indie being filmed in pasadena. i’ve only seen you once. there was a video of you on instagram losing your keys in the floorboards of a stairwell. you didn’t even realize the whole universe was rudely, cynically laughing at your weirdness and determination to rescue your keys with a magnet and some floss. i felt bad for a second, but then remembered that i am no longer the one responsible for your happiness. .
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i heard you hate it there. the nights are cold and the days are filled with brown scenery sprinkled with cacti. .
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i heard you asked mel about me. she told you i was back in the city, working for a nonprofit…and there was some wall st boy who almost stole me away on the corner of madison ave. and 42nd. .
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i heard you regret that you never spoke to me again after i left for the city. .
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i heard you are now lost in los angeles, the very city you were supposed to be found in. .
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and i am found among the rickety subway crossing the williamsburg bridge as another sun sets on the east river.
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hear me— don’t stay lost just because you swore by hollywood blvd and universal studios. you’re more than that. find yourself, wherever that might be. even it means giving up on what you originally sold your soul for. even it means permanently giving up on us, and the world we dreamed up for us to exist in. it’s okay to let go.
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<3 m.
5 68 5 weeks ago

@lasttimeisawu

Almost Everything
Let’s prove them wrong. let’s get in your beat-up toyota from college and play the mix-tape you left outside my dorm freshman year. let’s build the nonprofit we wrote a strategy for in business 204, using the graphics i designed in graphic design 101. let’s buy a hundred pollo tropical meals and deliver them one-by-one to the homeless that live outside the clubs we used to haunt all night in south beach. afterwards, you will play the drums for the djs on the beach while i admire you from the sweaty mosh pit…a few pounds heavier and hair a few inches shorter. then, let’s use all of our vacation time to go on mission trips to costa rica and rebuild their decaying towns. let’s eat all of the roasted chicken and rice and beans and plantains in the world while we are there. let’s forget that i can’t have children and volunteer at the local boys & girls club. let’s show them this world can be kinder than they ever knew. let’s fight this world that’s tried to destroy us in every breath and prove that anything can be overcome.
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let’s actually be who we dreamed of being when everything was possible, because it still is…
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. <3 m.
3 63 5 weeks ago

@lasttimeisawu

Almost Everything
You found me when i was a naive 19 year-old at a house party in miami, my heels sinking into the wet grass as you introduced yourself as the drummer for the dj playing that night. you found me at la guardia at 25 after a terrible divorce and then at some cow town airport in the midwest after i just turned 26. you found me briefly in madison at 29 as snow threatened your landing. even when i didn’t(don’t) want to be found, you found(find) me.
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inserting yourself into my life whenever you see it threatened. always providing a queen size bed in the basement of a brownstone in brooklyn for me to crash into. always picking up coconut water at the corner bodega and thai at that place across marcy for us to consume in the privacy of your tiny room. your drum set taking up almost as much as space as your bed. you’d leave for a show and i’d get lost in your university of miami t-shirt as i nuzzled my head into your familiar sheets. .

and then one snowy january night just a few weeks after my divorce, you asked me to stay. you took me to a warehouse on the outskirts of bed-stud where they were only pouring straight whiskey. our spanish leather boots sticking to the floor, your hand around my thrift store dress, my hand in the back pocket of your worn black jeans as you held me closer and closer. giggles, anonymity, familiarity. .
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and in a moment of lust you asked me to stay. to not board my flight the next day. then you could just always protect me. you couldn’t risk losing me again.
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and though my heart had already planned an entire lifetime with you in our own little brownstone in williamsburg, my brain won and convinced me to board my flight the next day. .

and five years later, you took(take) every 4am call, and took(take) the next flight to whatever part of the country i found(find) myself in. you held(hold) me in your arms, expecting nothing in return.
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and every time you book an uber to come take you to the airport, i remember there was a time when you could have been so much more than a 4 am emergency call. .
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but you don’t question it. you love me as-is.
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<3 m.
1 29 last month

@lasttimeisawu

Almost Everything
50 small incisions between my heart and the end of me. 100+ stitches. four bright purple and red external wounds plastered with glue, stitches. swelling that overtakes my body until there is a visible inner tube poking out from my silk nightgown. this is me, and i miss you. .
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i’ve stopped thinking about what might have been. i’ve stopped looking for midnight masses that you might go to with me. i didn’t buy you a christmas present. but there is still this strong pull in my stitched heart, begging me to take just one step back towards you. and as my body fights to heal from trauma, my heart fights even harder. .
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i loved you. i would have done anything for you. but that still wasn’t enough. .
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you said you would take my call if i called, but what would i say? the last time we spoke, days before my surgery, you said that you wanted me completely out of your life. so i am. .
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50 small incisions between my heart and the end of me. 100+ stitches. four bright purple and red external wounds plastered with glue, stitches. swelling that overtakes my body until there is a visible inner tube poking out from my silk nightgown. this is me, and if you’re going to come back ‘round again knocking, you better d**n well know who i am this time and what i am worth.
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you either love me, or you walk away. .
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. <3 m.
3 65 last month

@lasttimeisawu

Almost Everything
You apologized, briefly. i thought that was what i wanted, but hearing those stale words pass your smoke filled lips, i felt no relief. and my heart and brain got in a world war, debating if there were actually some things in life that absolutely could not be healed by regret and apologies. i could list off all of the horrendous names you called me and threats you made me in that last conversation, my body shaking and knees up to my chest in my empty bed. i could graphically explain what it felt like to have my heart blindly misled and crushed just a few days before a major surgery. but you know. and that is yours to own now. .
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because in one trusting moment full of cinnamon apple candles and three dogs plopped on top of us, you revealed a monster. a monster that you warned me about, but i never believed could possibly exist. and that ugly monster chased me through text messages and phone calls up to the very day i went under the knife. .
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and 50 incisions later i’m just not quite sure what an apology means at this point. because i went through all of that without you. i went through all of that with you making me feel like a bacteria on the bottom of the ocean. .
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i hope you know i love(d) you. i was about to tell you that same night our world shattered around us, cutting into my scars. you said you were unlovable, but you weren’t to me. i saw the light in you, the person you wanted to be. and you couldn’t even let me have that. you stabbed me in my most vulnerable moment until you were sure i was dead. transforming from someone i love(d) into the most horrific monster within an hour. .
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so you can apologize now, but i’m dead. you intentionally murdered me in my weakest moment. you don’t get to raise the dead.
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. <3 m.
5 71 last month

@lasttimeisawu

Almost Everything
Screaming so loud the sound cannot be muffled by my feather pillows. cursing at god endlessly for taking the one thing in this world that i ever wanted. asking my stoic white ceiling what the point is anymore. mascara stinging my cried-out eyes, choices i didn’t get to make burning my heart until i am sure i am having a heartache. me, on my knees, in my bathroom, puking until i can’t feel anything anymore…but there is never a time when i don’t feel anything anymore. .
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and then you text me oh-so-casually (again,) “i just did laundry and realized i still have your teal blanket. do you want it back?” .
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i have a blanket? i have a blanket that’s teal? i left it at your house? when was i even at your house?
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my mind isn’t where yours is. i’m not doing wash. i’m barely able to brush my teeth at night. i don’t sleep, and when i do i have terrible nightmares of a child that will never be mine. in two days a scalpel will go into me and my life will change forever. a surgery you swore you would be by my side for. anything i need.
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keep the f*****g blanket. .
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<3 m.
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#am #amwriting #writer #indieauthor #freeverse #verse #prose #reallife #reality #words #wordsofwisdom #wordsfromtheheart #heart #heartbreak #infertility #infertile #infertilitysucks #infertilityawareness #endo #endometriosisawareness #nofilter
1 48 last month

@lasttimeisawu

Almost Everything
And it is as if his mask fell off, crashing into tiny pieces onto the marble floor. and behind that mask is someone(thing) unidentifiable(unbearable.) .
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there are aliens that pose as everything we have ever wanted. they look just like someone we could love. they open the doors, laugh with you over brunch, like the same indie flicks you do, hold you oh so familiarly under a teal fleece blanket in their loft. and they’ll say sweet nothings to convince you that you are theirs, and only theirs.
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and then, on cue, a red flag will proudly wave in their(your) windy sky. .
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let them go immediately, without every second-guessing your decision. .
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you only belong to god and yourself.
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. <3 m.
1 49 last month