çok kötü hissediyorum cidden. iki gündür bir şey yememek için direnirken bugün dayanamayıp 1 tabak tavuklu pilav yedim sabahta zaten annem zorla kahvaltı ettirmişti. irademi kaybetmek istemiyorum. çünkü kaybettiğimde kusmak zorunda kalıyorum. çok canımı yakıyor... bugün doktora gittim sonuçlarım fazla düşükmüş ve vücudumda yeterli besin yokmus. aman ne hoş. tabi bide bunu ailemin ögrenip beni kontrole yine hastaneye götürcek olması... zayıf zamanlarımı özledim tekrardan böyle kilo almış olmak üzüyor. berbatım, berbat hissediyorum. yorgunum, halsizim yatıp kalkmak istemiyorum ama kusamadıklarımi yediklerimi yakmam gerekiyor... ama sanırım ne olursa olsun böyle olmaktan mutluyum. hayallerime ulaşacağım. zayıf olacağım/olacağız.!
my confidence has been awful recently, i am not happy with how i look, still struggling along with what to eat and binge eating etc, i tried on about 4 dresses yesterday then settled for this one, i can’t wear jeans atm as my stomach is so bloated out and because of my stomach problems i’ve been having anything tight hurts my stomach, waiting impatiently for a letter to have an ultrasound to see what the problem is, my doctor thinks gallstones or ibs..
anyways today i shall be relaxing and reading my fave book the goddess revolution by @iammelwells and start reading my new book i picked up yesterday by @bodyposipanda called body positive power 💖
i don’t believe that anyone has it together every minute of everyday, we all struggle in different ways, mine is binging and it’s super hard some days to control it, just taking it one day at a time right now, all i can do is my best 🌸
Left overs for breakfast because morrisons aren’t coming till at least 1pm. i used to binge on left over takeaway so it’s a little it triggering to be honest but waiting till 2pm to eat would be bad so i’m just going to distract myself. got up early and did uni reading, going to write it up this afternoon. #eatingdisorderrecovery#bulima#bulimiarecovery#eatingdisorder
Some days well most days i am in denial about having a eating disorder or have any mental health issues because i so used to acting fine and fighting my mind that it has just become normal. normal to purge after eating, normal to fight for every bit of food i put into my mouth even safe foods it’s normal for me to battle my anxiety on a daily basis, to fight my anxiety everyday so that i can do s**t without freaking out, fight my tears from slipping from my eyes during any times of the day, fighting not to od again and not to hurt myself. all this and more has been so normal to me that i don’t think there is anything wrong with me. i have both trust issues and attachment issues and i dot. want to recover. whenever i have an anxiety attack it takes me a long time to calm down and usually drains me of energy. when i get depressed i become rude and sometimes won’t speak to people. my eating disorder has side affects it mean i have nearly constant constipation and blood and also my hair falls out and my nails become brittle, if i do the slightest bit of exercise like going up a set of stairs or walking a very short distance i have heart palpitation and i get chest pains sometimes. these are just some of the promblems i face day to day. #mentalillness#eatingdisorderawareness#bulima#anxiety#deppression#rant#notinrecovery#sideaffects