Lunch! thank you all so so much for your heartwarming welcome backs, made me feel all loved ❤️ lunch is all about smokey and salt. must be the northsea still running through my veigns 🌊 fine farmers mustard, brought from the island, romain lettuce (i'm so in love with the texture) smoked tofu, avocado, leccino olives (gosh they are delicious 🤤 @hellofreshnl ) salty toasted almonds, green pepper, red cabbage for colour and raw samphire 🌱 yums!
on another note...lately i've been going through some changes in my life which is both scary and exciting but it felt more and more that scary and uncertainty and a feeling of losing grip was winning on excitement. it is not a secret at all i've been dealing with severe eating disorder in the past but i managed to overcome and with the help of documenting my food on my instagram i've created a healthy food routine and a positive stick behind the door. however, as with many disorders, they always stick with you in the shadows and say hi again when life is a little less sweet to you and structures we've been getting used to fall apart. now comes the tricky part...do we say hi and dance again with this familiar 'friend' or do we say hi and politely brush off!? easy said but not easy at all. what do you think? read more in comments!
Cookie themed afternoon snack🍫🍪❤️ today i am so positive and i feel so good and that makes me so so happy because the last days were sooo hard and today i could enjoy this afternoon snack without any guilt and i had a nice day🤗😍❤️ but of course it’s still not normal to eat for 1:20h 😶 but i know i will manage this one day so today’s perfect afternoon snack contains: some natural yoghurt, and a mueller corner with leibniz cookie topping (it’s the corner of the month and i tried it the first time and it’s was so so good), one banana, two apple baby cookies, some mini leibniz cookies, one lindt cookies and cream bar, and half a rittersport nut and cookie chocolate bar (i always tried to not have rittersport chocolate bars cause it’s so high calorie but kinda small size but it’s sooo big and yummy and i loved it so much and i didn’t regret anything) hope you also had an amazing day😍❤️💪🏼 keep fighting guys💪🏼❤️
Advocating day and night for butter. haha. shirt design by @dietitiananna ❤️ also don’t hate on the 1000% photo exposure filter. i decided it was my friday vibe.
23 minutes ago
Das leben ist zu kurz, um es mit selbstzerstörung zu vergeuden!
wisst ihr, viele schreiben mir, ich wäre ein totales vorbild und ich würde bestimmt alles schaffen und dass sie es toll finden, wie ich mich verändert habe.
ich freue mich darüber auch (meist), allerdings gibt es auch bei mir oft tage/ stunden, die katastrophal sind und ich überhaupt nicht glücklich bin. aber wisst ihr was? das ist auch in ordnung so! jeder hat mal schlechte tage und stimmungstiefs. man darf nur nie vergessen, dass diese - ich bezeichne es jetzt mal ganz drastisch- hölle auch wieder vorbeigehen und eine gute zeit mit schönen erlebnissen kommen wird!
und dafür lohnt es sich zu kämpfen! #recoveryisworthit ~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~
also, gebt niemals auf, ihr könnt das alle schaffen und wieder glücklich(er) werden!
la vita è bella 💘
🍴new post alert🍴 @lauravennison has written something on kim kardashian’s confusing promotion of meal replacement shakes...and suggests other meals you could eat instead. like this risotto 😋😋😋 link in bio
I did it💪🏼😭 i slayed ana and took one of my biggest fearfoods🍕😭😱❤️ i am so so proud and i feel so good🤗 i am not feeling guilty and i was able to enjoy this😱❤️ i had the rustipani cheese and tomato for lunch earlier than everyday because we had school only till 12:15 and now i have holidays!!! we are already one our way to the airport because my bestie, her family, my mom and i fly to moscow together and i am really looking forward to it but i am hella scared because we won’t just spend vacations but doing something other (don’t wanna tell it yet) but it’s not that good for my body atm but we couldn’t change anything anymore because it was already planned but i will just try to enjoy the most i can and the hard hours will pass as well... also i will need to have another eating plan and that makes me scared as well but i try to post nearly everything but i am not sure if i can post every meal❤️ wish me good luck that it will be nice and worth it and not to hard❤️😞🙈 i will come back the 2nd april and than i will finally start eating 2000+ because for me the clinic is the last possibility and i want to try it alone one last time💪🏼❤️ i hope it will be alright and i will have fun😭💪🏼❤️
Today i've had two coffees with soy milk and some agave syrup, spring rolls with sauce, 2 big handfuls of almonds, some sauce kraut, and now lemon sorbet. probably around 1200 calories? maybe less actually. and i've been at work for 8 hours. is that a lot? did i eat too much? please someone answer because my brain is totally f****d up and i have absolutely 0 sense of what is a normal food intake and i'm yeah. i feel f*t and i feel like i ate too much but i didn't binge, so that's something. i'm so overwhelmed. i'm so depressed about my body. please tell me this is okay. please tell me i'm okay. please tell me i didn't eat too much. please tell me it's okay. i can't breathe . please. gosh i'm so broken. i'm so f*****g broken. i want a hug, but i can't even hug people bc i'm too ashamed of myself and my body. crying crying crying
Just some random thoughts, mtw?
i'm so tired of this shit. why am i feeling guilty because i drank 500 ml of f*****g diet coke? why do i feel guilty for eating in general?! i mean what is this shit? what is wrong with me? i don't want to go inpatient again, i don't want to catch up all the school stuff i'll miss, and i don't wanna leave my family alone. also i'm super scared everyone will see the difference if i'll gain weight. what if they'll all think i'd be healthy and happy again? why am i even scared they will think like that? wouldn't this be good? and if i'll gain weight, people wouldn't worry about me anymore, would they? everyone is always telling me it's okay to be exhausted and tired because of school and stuff, because i'm underweight and my body hasn't got much energy, but if i'd gain, being tired or exhausted wouldn't be okay anymore? that's making me f*****g anxious. yes, i enjoy being cared for so much, because it makes me feel like i'm allowed to cry and i'm allowed to be weak sometimes. i feel like back when i was at a normal weight, i wasn't allowed to show any weakness. it was my job to look after my little fragile and beautiful friend, the only thing that mattered was her to be happy. i know it wasn't like that and i'm exaggerating, but that's how i felt. i don't want to feel like this again.
my mind is split, i don't know what to do, as no matter how i'll decide, i feel like i will never be happy again.
i wish i could just turn back time to when i still had the chance to have a fun life, when things weren't totally difficult. i don't want to be "fat" (my opinion about how i looked pre ed) again, but i want to have my life back. i am not the same person than i was two years ago and i also don't want to be this person ever again. i want to be the person i really am. i want to be more happy than sad (i mean everybody's got some bad days), and i want to enjoy life without thinking about calories the whole time. i have no idea if i'll ever be able to be this person, but i really hope so, and i won't give up without trying my best.
i have no idea where the motivation for writing this text at 1 am came from (thanks to the caffeine in cola😉)
(have a picture of my wall ‘cos i have no other pictures) ...... i ate a slice of chocolate cake earlier which was scary but i ate it because i f*****g wanted it. the boyf had a takeaway tonight which included cheesy chips and the real me wanted to demolish them with him but the nob that is #emetophobia wouldn’t let me. i managed a tiny handful with minimal cheese though so mini wins are better than nothing 💪 it’s so weird because really i love food but this fear, phobia, disorder, whatever you wanna label it is bigger than any other emotion or generally just anything! it won’t let me have or do what i really want. it’s actually really nice to have the food loving thoughts of the real charlotte deep, deep down. she’s still there and i will find her again. #emetophobic#eatingdisorder#disorderedeating#anxiety#anxietydisorder#agoraphobia
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Hi guys. this week has flown by! my schedule will be completely messed up next week though. i have standardized tests monday and tuesday, a gynecologist appointment wednesday which will make me miss a test (i’ll have to make it up sometime) and then we are out of school until the following tuesday. that week we will have more standardized tests, plus a movie day for my english class. all of that and my scholastic bowl meets/practices! i’ll be busy! trigger warning ahead, read at your own risk! ⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ god i feel f*****g disgusting once again. i can’t stop myself when pretzels are involved and i’m probably never having bagels ever again after these are gone. i’ve been eating way too much this week and so i know almost for a fact that i gained. plus my dad told me today that he told my doctor he honks i’m eating better and that i don’t need to see a nutritionist. he says this right after he tells me that my labs came back to say i have a nutritional deficiency and low heart rate, and that i have three follow up appointments in the coming weeks. this sounds really s****y but i miss being really bad, everybody sees how i’m stuffing myself and they say i’m better. i hate it. and myself. i can’t keep eating this badly.⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ #ed#eatingdisorder#eatingdisordersurvivor#anorexia#anorexiasurvivor#bulimia#bulimiasurvivor#ednos#ednossurvivor#orthorexia#struggling#surviving#depression#suicidalthoughts
Okay. my life just fell apart
This is a posed photo , in tending, this is not what i look like at standing. tw coming up❗️❗️❗️ i’m so conflicted because part of me wants to recover and every time i eat i tell myself “it’s okay because i’m in recovery” but then another part of me comes in and says “you’re using recovery as an excuse to eat and be fat, you can’t be recovering because you were never ill” and ugh it’s just making me want to lose weight so much more, i feel like i can’t recover until i reach my lowest weight 😪
I hope you all had a good international puppy day i love dogs so much i want to help them all ah have you seen their tiny lil beans ahhhhh so cute and i love when they walk along hard floors and you hear the lil tip taps im gonna cry