Even being 4 years in recovery i still break down. i still have panic attacks. i still get negative thoughts and urges. i cry. i breakdown and that’s okay
there have been so many positives happen over the past couple of months for me, but there has also been my share of struggles. my transition back home and not seeing my support system every day has been hard. i have been missing my father a lot more lately with the anniversary of his death coming up. i had recent triggers with alcohol again. therapy helps me process and grow, but it can also make me more vulnerable to deep rooted emotions
you don’t always see this side on instagram though; we post what we want people to see. we put the exciting aspects and accomplishments out for everyone else to see. i won’t lie, i’ve defined my worth based on likes. i’ve compared myself to other people and what they are doing with their lives. i ask myself if i am good enough? am i doing enough? but this is my reality. i cry. i go to therapy. i still struggle with urges. i get hurt. i doubt myself. i wear makeup to cover my insecurities. i buy new clothes to feel better about my body.
so here is to showing the side the other side. here is the side that is proud of herself, through the good and the bad. the side that won’t define their worth based on a number of likes on social media. this is my authentic self.
I know people care i just don’t want to put that pressure on them
I originally was going to have poached eggs on toast for breakfast but we ran out of eggs... instead i had muesli with almonds, raspberries and almond milk.
we're going to do another eating out challenge today, at one of the same places we've been before! i don't know if that's a good or bad thing... i'll be familiar with the menu and my surroundings but if the same people are there i feel like they'll be judging me thinking i'm really greedy going to the same place twice... also, i've spent a whole month outpaitent! 🎉 what the hell the time has seriously gone by so quickly and i would have never had expected to have got through as much as i have... wow i'm slightly scared for myself actually
Ended the day okay. dinner was 611 calories because we ate out then had cake but i didn't have a slice. 300 calories a slice!!! hopefully i can get my calorie intake lower tomorrow since no one will be home. it's easier when i'm working because then i'll be distracted by that and only have a certain amount of time to eat and i usually spend those precious minutes smoking.