You kissed me last night. no, not for real. in my dream. but god did it feel real! electricity ran along the length of my entire body and i woke up. and i could still feel it. so intense. i had to gasp for breath for a moment. i am in a little bit of trouble. slowly but surely you are getting under my skin...
i’ve never before looked forward to mondays. now i am. because i will see you again. especially tomorrow, as i’ve missed you. after a two weeks interstate business trip you are back tomorrow. i can’t wait to see you. we will say hi. we will smile to each other. we will do the friendly chit chat thing when we run into each other at the printer. i’d say coffee machine, but you don’t drink coffee. all the while pretending that you messaging me while away to “just say hi” (twice), even though you were drowning in work the whole time, meant nothing more than a friendly gesture...
When my mom died there was this weird generational gap that opened up because suddenly my grandma and i had a new relationship to navigate without the one person we both really wanted. i felt tremendously for her, for having lost her daughter and i think she felt for me. i’m so grateful for the 9 months of that relationship with her before she passed too. typing up this quote filled me with memories of both of them today because it’s the jewish new year and i would love nothing more than a bowl of my grandma’s matzo ball soup and my mom’s honey cake! illustration by @lysh_rb
2 weeks ago
I can hope that this is true. our love story was something so special. when i met you, life fell into place like the final puzzle piece.
Lately i find myself wrapped up in the cruelness that is chronic illness. it is not pretty. it is not picture worthy. but it is my reality. now that i've finally received my ehlers-danlos diagnosis, i am held back by my pots. i have been in constant pre-syncope mode, feeling faint everytime that i stand. but the thing is, while i'm stuck in bed, the rest of the world is moving forward. i find myself constantly grasping onto the life i used to have. a clean house. a growing education. a motivated work ethic. an energetic presence. it isn't who i am anymore. the grief truly never ends. #imnotme#grieving#chronicillness#pots#eds#chronicpain#lettinggo
52/100: for my aunt, we knew death was coming. for the past year my cousin had been by her side, chemo treatments through hospice. she prepared everything, the funeral, all accounts, her will, he had power of attorney, etc.
i didn’t know my dad was going to die. although, i felt like he was on borrowed time ever since i figured out he was hiding his congestive heart failure back in 2012. my dad didn’t have anything prepared for his death. his business was still running, he had no signers on any accounts, no power of attorney, no will… •
these two deaths are very different. my cousin didn’t have to deal with some of the hoops i had to deal with for accounts and such… but i didn’t have to watch my dad die before my eyes. he didn’t have to drop everything at the end of a phone call… but i didn’t have to drive my dad to chemo for 7 months and then be a hospice nurse for 2. he got to say goodbye possibly have some peace with her death and grieving process prior to her death… i had to battle with my father to take better care of himself and make a will, neither of which he ever did. •
both ways of a family member dying (expected or unexpected) suck. both have their ups and downs, pros and cons that i can see. both of my parents died “unexpectedly” - or at least there was no acknowledgement or discussion with me that they knew they might die. my cousin has had both parents go through chemo. •
now my dog has congestive heart failure… interesting huh? this time, i am aware, i know, i am startled awake every time he coughs in the middle of the night. i was not taught how to grieve in life… figuring it out as it comes sucks, no matter how the death unfolds. •
• #grief#grieving#grievingdaughter#griefshare#griefrecovery#lossofalovedone#lifeafterloss#howimfeeling#griefsupport#griefjourney#griefandloss#griefsucks#griefawareness#griefshare#healingafterloss#grievingprocess#stillgrieving#bereavement#imissyou#sorrow#sadness#depressionrecovery#100dayproject#100daysofgrief#100daysofdrawing #adoptionishard#adoptee#adoptiontrauma#adopteeproblems#arttherapy
I was thinking about how my parents have always supported me. they had little support as children themselves, but in their way, figured out how to give that to my siblings and i. my dad supported me in every venture i tried, from my childhood to his death. my mom continues to support me even now, with my constantly evolving visions. it’s a luxury i’m grateful for.
this is a photo of my parents when they were 15 and 18, with my oldest brother! they were married when my mom was 14 and my dad was 17. they remained very happily married until death parted them in 2015, after 57 years of marriage.
Adjusting to life without his brother, #methosfloof, has been pretty difficult for #cayleighfloof. we recently ordered some canvas prints of photos of methos to put up on the wall with his ashes. so far i've caught cayleigh sleeping next to the photos and hanging out near them.
the adjustment has been really hard for us as well. we take it one day at a time. one cry at a time.
luckily, cayleigh has been getting along even closer with #abrafloof (just out of frame here, pestering cayleigh). i've never really seen abra play with other cats, but...she does now. she's working hard to keep cayleigh's spirits up. @floofarmy
“do you remember the time when men would sing of their heartbreak? although the pain, so intense, could never really be sung? no words, no poetry, no rhythmn comparing to the desecration of what once was. love is holy, until it is no more. i could weep, i could remember what it was like to be loved. to be held. to be the only one. but they do not sing of that anymore. the façade, ever present. to heal, to forget, as if it never happened. as if we never were. now, they sing about the next one. in this ever changing world, nothing remains long enough for me to process, to heal. to be vulnerable, to be hurt is said to be a weakness. to be vulnerable and to take the chance again, to open your heart to have it broken again. pain upon pain. my heart at the bottom of a well that i plunged willingly into. i knew what would happen, i just took the chance anyway. we are told to take our bruised hearts, covering ourselves in coats of lipstick or swigs on a can. forget. move on. how am i meant to keep up?” - ak
2 years ago tonight, someone incredibly close to me took their life.
every.single.day i miss the hell out her .. and i also feel badly that i wasn't there for her more, due to my own struggle with #depression. as well intentioned as you may want to be, please don't tell me not to feel that way .. i do feel it and i never won't feel it. it's okay to feel whatever you feel. this is simply a reminder that #grief does come in many shapes and sizes, and acknowledging someone's #sadness is a really meaningful way of showing you care .. you don't need to be perfect, just be present somehow 🙏🏻 #grieving#suicide