Sometimes when i post something especially deep or vulnerable, it takes me awhile to post again.
i’m splaying myself open- raw and scary. its potent. it’s honoring a sacred side of myself. and sometimes that rawness lasts for days.
i worry if i post something lighter or of no substance, that i’m allowing the fear to close me back up. instead of staying in the deep waters, i paddle back to the shallow end. am i letting fear win? why can’t i stay open, honest, raw and real?
my job requires me to stay surface level 97% of the time. it’s absolutely exhausting to the depths of my soul. i want to know peoples stories- their pain, their joy, what their childhood was like and why they make the choices they do. but i have no time to invest in all the little moments that lead them to the exact point in which they stroll in looking for a quick fix to wash away the day.
i have a flash- a breath of an instant- to interact before another needs attention.
i crave depth in interaction, without the ability to satisfy the need.
i suppose this is why i sought a career in therapy. and why i found yoga.
what sets your soul on fire?
how are you working to quench your passion?
i love to travel, meet new people, and burst my bubble of a worldview open a little wider with every country i visit.
i’ve lived in australia, thailand, and indonesia.
i’ve traveled through several countries in southeast asia, and my most recent wanderings led me through the magic of iceland.
travel is both my drug and my antidote.
i’ve been working in restaurants since i was in high school and bartending for over 10 years. one of the most fun jobs i’ve enjoyed was as a corporate trainer for buffalo wild wings. i was able to travel the country living in hotels and i trained hundreds of servers. and after a few weeks in one city, i would start from scratch somewhere new. i met some of the most insane people of my life and created some of the best stories to tell when i’m old and just as crazy.
in my late twenties i went back to school to work on my masters in marriage and family therapy. fighting my own darkness and depression spurred me to help others find light and healing from the traumas of life. i want to help heal the broken, the hurting, the emotionally sick.
i found yoga when i was turning 30 and feeling my “youth” slip away. my muscles hurt from long hours on my feet and absolutely no form of physical health or wellness in my life.
yoga began as exercise for me.
soon it became an obsession. the feeling of my body healing itself was addictive. the challenge, the subtle changes- it was all i could think about. two years into my yoga journey, i dove head first into a teacher training and i graduated in may of this year with a completely different understanding of what yoga is. and i want to share it with everyone i love.
now i am following a dream to combine all my favorite things-travel, bartending, training, healing, and yoga into one passion of a big life.
it’s funny how we can’t see the pieces up close, but as the puzzle unfolds you see how perfectly stitched together something can be.
i can’t wait to see more of this picture and all the intricacies to be revealed.
Where is the line when it comes to talking about depression? how do you bare your soul, show transparency in your struggle, but don’t come across as pessimistic or negative? how do you approach the ugly side of mental (un)health without pushing people away or creating a barrier?
“feeling very depressed today. like every emotion is swallowing me up and i’m drowning”
...i typed this message out to a loved one monday but never pushed send...
why couldn’t i push send?
every action i took monday led me back under the covers-in an extremely literal way.
brushed my teeth.
got back in bed.
took a shower.
got back in bed.
got back in bed.
cooked a home chef meal.
got back in bed.
and not in a “i’m really tired, need more sleep” kinda way.
it was an anxiety filled- i cannot breathe-or fathom completing the simplest of tasks- kinda way.
like every emotion was crawling under my skin.
i was suffocating in my own life.
and it wasn’t that i couldn’t leave my house- i couldn’t even leave my room for more than 5 mins.
this is not my first battle. it’s a war i’ve struggled with throughout my entire life. the first time i told my mother i wanted to die i was 7. i almost overdosed on antidepressants at 7 years old.
as an adult, that fact terrifies me.
what’s so bad for a 7 year old?!
but when i mentioned that i had a “bad day” this week to someone that has known me for years, they met my confession with surprise. it was unfathomable that i could’ve ever been depressed.
“but you’re always so happy”
so here it is.
a part of my truth.
is this an appropriate space for such vulnerability?
because today i’m okay.
today was easy.
today i laughed, i went to my job, i loved my life.
but there is a darkness that stays just under the surface.
and i’m tired of the shame.
and maybe this isn’t where to share.
maybe people just don’t want to know.
but i’m baring my soul anyway.
because who does hiding help?
📸: @earthsteve perfectly capturing light & dark & all the grey in between
If your into beer and into yoga this is the combo for you! see ya there.
this sunday! come drink beer and get your namaste on at your favorite irish pub. byom (bring your own mat)...we’ve got the beer covered. $5 fee gets you a 30 minute sesh and a free beer! all experience levels welcome! #namasteatthebar#belhaven#yoga#publife